I can’t say I felt all that comfortable standing there, not doing much. Trying to entertain their oldest by playing cars with him. But when it was time to go and we started dancing, that’s when the fun kicked in.
I’ve also tasted acute pain and loss, a taste that doesn’t leave you, but taints your existence - a firebrand burned into flesh. I choose the moment I let that pain overwhelm me, and sometimes I abandon myself to that silent scream of anguish and recall, and after it is over I feel grateful for surviving love and pain and loss and find joy in coming back round for some more. It lives in family dinners with friends, in Christmas parties, in road trips, in long talks over glasses of wine, in seeing how the world has become vintage designer melbourne kinder in the last 30 years.
But truthfully, what draws me to this work is the raw emotional connection. I am privileged to witness the spectrum of human experience without the bullshit. Eye-watering joy just bubbles up, when I can truly validate someone's concern, or come up with a meaningful solution, using the honest connection we've built. Or when a longterm customer is finally getting married, or graduating from uni, or going on their first overseas holiday following intensive treatment.
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I've seen Depeche Mode play in Leipzig. It’s a bit of a paradoxical thing but my most profound moments of what I would call “Joy” are most often mingled with a kind of almost unbearable sorrow. Like when I watched you perform “Into My Arms” in London at All Points East, I think it was 2022?
After being a mom, wanting to spend as much time as possible with my kids, meaning having them not spend 8 to 10 hours on a school, plus work and day to day stuff (shopping for groceries etc), I miss the "adult" challenging difficult themed conversations. You present us a raw perspective but always with a positive looking forward spin that gives me hope for a better future for my kids, as I struggle with the way things are turning. Anyway, I do get a lot of joy from knowing I have the opportunity of reading a new Red Hand Files.
In the resonance of a moment where being seen and appraised by someone else, and enjoyed, forms a resonance like a high. The joy we find in the eyes of people we love and who love us - whilst sharing laughter or exchanging a truth, or professing love to. Both in people already dear to us and those who love us just in a passing moment. Even the connection we find with an artist whilst listening to a piece of music or beholding a portrayal of art that moves us from within, in the moment. Joy.It is also why we keep close and keep going back to the people in our lives with whom we have felt truest joy and continue to do so. Our closest loved ones, with whom the hardships ebb - and other moments uplift, heal and raise it all forward.
But I am bone-tired and broken-hearted. And I find joy absolutely fucking everywhere. No amount of privilege could have protected me from this pain, but my body works, I'm permanently stuck to my best friend, the raddest person on the planet, and I get to travel through this shit with her.
As a daughter of an alcoholic atheist scientist this is a huge deal for me. We often discuss them in my therapy. I find joy in appreciating and being grateful for my current life with my husband of 42 years who is less than perfect (like me). Every day there are so many great things in life! Cool people who know how to think, great travel around this incredible world, my dog, my house, etc., etc.
The stories of the ancestors of the Bundjulung people relate to the journey of three brothers, survivors of an ancient flood who travel by sea and first land at Evans Head, south of Ballina. They split up because of arguments with one another, accidentally leaving their mother behind, and have to go back and find her. Eventually, they settle all along the Northern Rivers, including the mouth of the Richmond River where I live at Ballina. Reflecting on these stories has helped me to understand God’s saving presence in all times and places, and how God is ‘in all things’.
Joy for me comes from the recognition of symbiosis as it occurs in nature and in our nature. From the micro to the macro, these moments where we see or feel the connectedness of things. Like the trees that feed us oxygen while we deliver to them carbon dioxide, or the garden weed with 50% of its DNA identical to ours - all indicating that every living thing comes from a single origin and a process of billions of years of evolution.
May seem pragmatic, but I have found that one can only replicate moments of joy momentarily, and perhaps find a fleeting sense of solace in those moments. Yet if we let go of the seeking, and just embrace the randomness of life, there will be moments of true joy, and those will be the moments you will remember. I was widowed after an intimate relationship of 45 years.
Shared purpose in a task done with others. Joy is having the time to notice, to notice the kookaburra quietly sitting high in the tree, then upon spotting the worm in the grass, skilfully diving for it. It's having the time and clarity to allow myself to respond to what's around me. It's being part of bigger picture, but being content to be alone.Joy is the freedom to allow myself to be amazed, delighted and fulfilled, unencumbered by a need to change things.
It’s when the demons come out to play. At that point my head tilts back and I smile, confident that the words and the music will come pouring out, and when they do, I always get goosebumps. I also find myself feeling pure joy when I am touched by beauty.